Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, you're gonna die
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.
Nice to be here. I feel pretty good today. You know why I feel good? Because I--
Finally, I have the body that I want...
...and that's a thing people really covet.
It's a hard thing to achieve, and I did.
And I'm gonna tell you how to have exactly the body that you want.
You just have to want a shitty body. That's all it is.
You have to want your own shitty, ugly, disgusting body.
I don't, though, like being uncomfortable and unhealthy...
...and I'm both of those things all the time.
I get really sweaty all the time. I--
And that's also bad for sex, because I just sweat--
I just rain sweat all over people.
Like, I'm like, uhhh.
And that's what I'm like when I have sex. I go, uhhh.
And I always see her, and she's like, just:
Just sweat is pouring off my head.
And she's like, "Dude, you're limiting my enjoyment by a lot."
No.
Well, then you can call for an appointment.
The results from that test don't come in until tomorrow.
No, I have no way of knowing the results before they get here.
Yes? I'm here to see Ben, Dr. Mitchell.
Okay, what time is your appointment and what is your name?
My name's Louie C.K., and he said to be here around 2.
"He said"? The doctor doesn't make appointments.
Well, I know him. Well, I used to. We went to high school together.
And I talked to him on the phone. He said that I could come by.
He didn't put your name in the book and didn't tell me.
You don't have an appointment. Can you check with him?
He's with a patient.
Okay, well, I'll just wait and-- Sir, you don't have an appointment.
Yeah, no, I get that, but can you just let me wait till he comes out and--?
You can't just sit in here if you don't have an appointment.
Do people, like, come here and steal medical treatment?
Do they steal it from you? Is that what happens?
Why can't you just let me wait--? - Just keep up that regime.
You will start feeling better very soon.
Thanks, doctor. No problem.
Hey, Ben, how you doing?
You told me to come by, remember? Do I know you?
Oh. Come on through. It's fine, Priscilla.
Louis C.K.
I didn't mean to jump ahead of that woman if she was waiting.
Don't worry, she's dying. Yeah, no hope. Really sad.
It's cancer, from her vagina up to her eyeballs.
So I'm just squeezing her for insurance money...
...till her liver falls out of her ass.
Man, that's not funny. Oh, God, how are you?
I'm-- I feel like shit.
Feel like shit?
Sure you feel like shit and not diarrhea? Because you look like diarrhea.
It looks like someone poured diarrhea into a face-shaped mold.
Could you stop? I'm worried. I don't know what's up with me.
Look up. Okay.
I know what's wrong with you.
What? AIDS.
I can't believe you're a doctor.
Strip down to your underpants. Let's take a look at you.
Jesus. That is--
You don't need a doctor, you need a time machine.
Did no one tell you tits are meant to be on women, not men?
What is that? Come on, man. This is a nightmare.
Get up here.
Oh, dear. Okay.
Take a deep breath and hold it. So how do you feel, really?
Apart from the tumor I can hear in your lungs.
You're an asshole. Strip all the way down.
Okay.
Oh, God, Louie.
How can--? That is really bad.
That's the worst penis I've ever seen in my life.
That is disgusting.
It's-- Oh, my God.
This is the worst thing that's happened to me, seeing that.
And my dad hung himself in front of me whilst masturbating.
If I could take one of those things back, it would be seeing that awful cock.
Looks like you've been getting a dog to suck it off, but it chewed it...
...Iike it thought it was a horrible old blood-and-cum-filled shoe.
Nurse, can you come here a minute? I'm serious.
That is the worst penis probably in the world.
Nurse?
Honestly, is that not the ugliest penis you've ever seen in your life?
Yes, doctor, it's very ugly. Very ugly, very ugly.
She's a nurse, so.... Stop it. Come on, man.
If that's your penis and testicles, what's your anus gonna be like?
Well, we're not gonna find that out.
We are gonna find out, because I need to give you a full rectal examination.
No, no. No way.
Yes way. You're over 40, Louie, okay? No more wanking around.
This could save your life. Okay, all right.
Come on. All right.
Look, it's not very pleasant, but it's necessary.
Okay, all right. Okay, I'll be as gentle as I can.
Thank you. Ughh. Sorry.
Is that okay? Yeah, that's okay.
How about that? Yeah, that's all right.
What about this? Jesus Christ!
What? This is serious. What's wrong with you?
It's serious.
There's no way it's supposed to go in and out.
Well, it can do. I'm a doctor. Yeah.
And it tells me that everything is fine up there.
Jesus. Listen.
I'm still going with AIDS, but let's do some blood work and find out.
My days start poorly because of the shape I'm in.
Because now, also, I'm 42, so I'm getting-- I'm get-- I'm really on the decline.
There's never gonna be another year of my life...
...that was better than the year before.
That's never gonna happen again.
I've seen my best years.
And when I wake up in the morning, I just-- I'm-- I just sit there and I'm like:
Like, it's an awful way to start your day. Every day starts with me--
Like, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery.
I just open my eyes, remember who I am...
...what I'm like...
...and I go:
"I guess. I guess, just do it. I don't know.
I guess. Oh, my God."
Somebody called me an Indian giver recently.
I don't know if you've heard that since you were kids...
...but we used to call each other--
Indian giver is one of the most offensive things you could ever--
Because what it's meant to be is that someone gave you something...
...then changed their minds. That makes you an Indian giver.
And we equate this to the Indians...
...because our feeling is that they gave us America, and then they--
Well, they didn't take it back, certainly, but they changed their minds...
...about giving it to us.
It's offensive when you consider the truth...
...which is that we got here and the Indians were like, "Hi."
And we were like, "Hey, can we have everything?"
And they were like, "Well, we don't know what 'have' means...
...but enjoy all the things that you need, like we do."
So we start killing all of them. And they were like:
"Oh, dude, could you not do that part where you kill all of us?
Because that's kind of a drag for us."
And we were like, "You guys are Indian givers. Oh, my God.
We're gonna name that after you. You guys are dicks."
Anyway, thanks a lot, folks. Good night.
We're gonna keep this show going, gonna bring the next comic up.
Very funny guy. You guys might know him. Nick DiPaolo.
How about a hand for the emcee going through chemo, huh? All right.
Poor prick. Skinny, no hair. How are you?
Okay.
Welcome to the basement of al Qaeda's hideout, and....
You think I'm kidding? Those aren't Irish guys making your falafel.
How's it going? It's a shitty night.
I have two tables, all black people, so I know I'm not making no tips.
Are you being serious right now? Yeah, look over there.
I have two tables, they're all black. I'm working for free tonight.
No, I mean, are you being seriously that racist?
What?
You don't know they're not gonna tip you. Yes, I do.
Because they're black? I've been waiting tables for five years.
I never got a tip from a black person, not once.
First of all, I don't believe you. Second of all, that's still racist.
I am not racist. Screw you.
What are you talking about?
She says black people don't tip.
Are you nuts? Niggas don't tip. Everyone knows that.
Have you ever waited tables before? No.
Then shut up, asshole.
This is how I know I'm getting old.
I pulled a muscle in my neck...
...giving my wife the finger behind her back.
That's a true story.
We were having a fight, she walked out of the kitchen, I went, ah, like that.
Weird things are happening to my body as I get older.
Ever hold a piss so long it turns into a shit?
That didn't happen when I was in high school.
I know most of you guys here voted for Obama...
...and I don't know ******* why, but....
Ooh. Listen to that silence, huh?
Holy shit, I hit you right in the white-guilt muscle, didn't I?
I mean, can we quit calling Obama the first black president?
My nipples are darker than Barack Obama.
They're so in love with this guy. Wanna give him his own national holiday.
He hasn't even been shot yet.
This is perfect, they hate my guts. All right.
People are such hypocrites down there.
I'm sure you did better at the Hitler Youth rally.
Ha, ha. Liberal fag. Yeah, okay, Himmler.
Why don't you go eat out Obama's asshole?
I would. I mean, I'm not gay, but, you know, just to be part of history.
Country's going to shit.
You Republicans are babies. You've had your way for eight years.
Why can't you just give somebody else a try?
Because it's a bullshit sham, that's why.
He's in there because of white guilt and affirmative action.
Anybody who has the balls to say that out loud is called a Nazi...
...by deluded assholes like you.
Poor little Nazis don't like being called Nazis.
I'm sorry. Can you stop having this conversation?
When Bush was in office, every time you put on the news...
...all you saw was black people, gays, liberals...
...just pissing and moaning at how bad he was.
But now Obama's in there, no one can say shit.
You know, if it's like you say it is and it's your turn...
...then why don't we get a say in it like you did?
A white guy doesn't have a voice in this country anymore.
We supposed to feel sorry for white guys?
What, is 10,000 years of unchecked prosperity not enough for you?
No, it's not. Give me 20-.
Well, how about 30-? Yeah.
And then you can celebrate with a big parade of soldiers...
...and have white columns with an eagle, maybe red banners with a white circle...
...and something like this in the middle? The Nazi thing? That all you got?
That's why-- It's the same thing. What is it, what?
It's one group getting what they want over everyone else.
Oh, yeah. Over-- What the **** is wrong with you?
What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you?
Pretend you're kidding, but you mean it. My father fought those Nazis, okay?
So if you call me that again, I'm gonna punch you.
All right, I won't call you that, you Hitler Nazi piece of shit.
Mother-- Come on. Come on, guys, break it up.
Come on. ******* **** .
Come on. - Get off me.
Get the **** off me. You cut my hand.
Goddamn it. Nice.
Jeez, man, it looks bad. Yeah, it does, doesn't it?
Dr. Green, telephone, please.
How long are they gonna make you wait?
I think the guy they're working on now has a musket wound.
Got blindsided by a Model T. I heard he got stepped on by a dinosaur.
At least you got that dirty jizz rag there seeping germs into your wound.
Yeah, and I think I saw the bartender spit into it and wipe up some AIDS vomit.
God.
So how are the kids? Good.
They're at my place. Babysitter.
They'll be waking me up in about four hours.
Must be nice.
Ah. It's Andi.
Hello? Hey, babe.
Yeah, no. I'm out.
Nothing.
Yeah. No, try to get some sleep.
All right. You too. Bye.
You didn't tell her where you are?
She's just gonna start worrying. What's the use?
Must be nice having somebody at home worrying for you.
You got your kids. Yeah, but a wife.
I mean, I just think it's great that you and Andi made it work, you know?
You've been together, what, 15 years? Yeah, well, it ain't easy.
Well, at least you did it.
Miss your wife?
No, but I envy you.
The other day, I get a package in the mail, right? It's from India.
I'm like, "What the hell's this shit?" So I open it up. It's a brick of Viagra.
I look over at Andi, she's grinning.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, she ordered it online, you know. I feel bad. She's lonely.
But she's gorgeous, I don't wanna be with anybody else...
...but, you know, some nights...
...I don't know, I'd just rather have a burger and hit the sack.
Yeah, but you're working it out.
Yeah, we started counseling...
...and every other night, I stick a wooden, medicated boner in her...
...and now we sit around waiting to see who's gonna die first.
That's about it. Jesus Christ, Nick.
I mean, we're getting old, Lou. I mean, we can't have kids anymore.
Um....
I don't know.
At one point, one of us is gonna leave the other behind.
Oh, jeez.
I guess this is where the letter C comes for her dialysis.
- Sorry about your hand, man. - It's all right.
I don't jerk off anymore and can lift the toilet seat with the other.
I'm fine.
I'm sorry I called you a Nazi. Don't worry about it, faggot.
Hey, seriously, man. You got your kids. You're lucky.
I'm happy for you, really.
Thanks, Nick. Remember when we were in our 20s...
...we used to come home this late because we were out getting laid?
We never got laid.
I remember one time I was with a friend of mine...
...who lives in New York also, and we went to pick up his cousin.
She lived on a farm her whole life.
Her family was this weird family that kept their kids on a farm.
Her parents finally died, so she got to leave.
And so she came down to visit her cousin, my friend, in the city...
...and so we picked her up at Port Authority Bus Station.
She had never been to any city before, and we're picking her up...
...at the Port Authority, that smelly hole of a place.
And we pick her up there, and she's just freaking out at New York.
She's never seen anything like it.
And we pass this homeless guy, and she sees him.
I mean, we all passed him, but she saw him.
She's the only one who actually saw him. We didn't.
Me and her cousin were like, "So? He's supposed to be there. So what?
There's a perfectly good reason why that's not me and it's him.
The right people always win, I'm sure of it."
But so there he is-- And this dude was particularly homeless.
He was one of those high-octane homeless, smelly--
Just piss smell.
The unbelievable piss smell, just-- He was piss.
He didn't just smell like piss, he was-- When you piss, he comes out.
That's what-- That's how much....
It's just this dude with garbage all over him.
I don't know if he had gathered it for warmth...
...or folks just went, ech, all day.
And he had dreadlocks.
Not Hacky Sack, cool-guy, medical-marijuana dreadlocks...
...just human-neglect clumps of hair.
A clump of hair for every year that no one knew his name or cared.
Yeah, that's who you've been laughing at the last 10 minutes.
That's how bad it was.
And again, me and my friend were just like, meh.
His cousin immediately just gets-- She's like, "Oh, my God."
She takes a knee.
I'm not even taking a real knee now. That's how little I give a shit about the guy.
He's not even here and I'm still like, "Eh. Yeah, that's close enough."
She goes, "Oh, my God, sir. Are you okay? What happened?"
"What happened?" America happened.
What do you mean, "What happened?"
"Sir, can we call someone?"
And me and my friend-- This is the crazy part.
We immediately go to her, "Oh, no, no, no, honey, don't...."
We start correcting her behavior like she's doing something wrong.
She's like, "Why, is he okay?" "No, he needs you desperately.
That's not the point. We just don't do that here.
You silly country girl."
Hello?
Louie? Hi, it's Dr. Ben.
Hey, what's up, man? Yeah, yeah. How are you?
Um.... Look, I got back your blood work.
Yeah?
Yeah, listen-- Oh, sorry about being an ass, by the way.
The thing is, I need you to come back in to do some more tests.
What--? What for?
Well, your blood work shows that you may have...
...slight big-fat-ginger-uglyitis.
Oh, my God. You're such a dick.
No, um, you've got AIDS. That's what I thought, and it proved--
Don't worry, the cancer is gonna kill the AIDS...
...before it kills you quite slowly and painfully.
No, no, I'm--
You do have cancer, though, loads of it, in your scrotum.
In fact, that's all there is in the scrotum.
No balls at all, just two healthy lumps of cancer...
...that replaced the horrible old squidgy bollocks that were there.
And that's gonna kill you as well.
So, by the way, the AIDS shows-- It's very extensive.
It shows that you got the AIDS from raping a little blind boy.
Louie?